Diaryland, sweet Diaryland, haven for my angst.
Before I get any further I want to drop some URLs on you:
- If you want me to cheer the hell up (I sure do), you're probably more interested in my postings at Jangly Ganglia than you'll be in most of this entry. You can read more about the project on its About pages, but the upshot is that I am trying to write down one thing every day that makes me smile or even laugh. It's been of immense help to me during this rather icky time of mine; more on the ick in a bit.
- I've noticed some familiar faces on MySpace lately. This is my profile there; I've been adding some D*landers I vaguely know but I didn't want to put my D*land site on my profile there. I got my reasons. Anyway, if this daft chica named "reetoes" has been lurking at your MySpace and you're wondering who the hell it is -- I'm who the hell it is. Friend away.
Now then. Basically my whole extended family is in a tizzy for very good reason. It's not my story to tell in public (if you're on LJ, Xanga, or Tabulas, I've posted it under friendslock -- gimme a holler and I'll most likely let you in to see the sordid details), but you know it's on my dad's side of the family. My mom's side is much like my mom: dependable, pretty stable, lightly eccentric but always loving and healthy. My dad's side is... ugh. I love my family, no doubt about it, but there is just not good history in my dad's family. It makes me afraid to breed another generation on this massive and gnarled family tree.
The whole thing has shot me into a depressive episode, which is a clinical way of saying that I am asleep more than I'm awake and I sometimes burst into tears over emotional insurance commercials. I like to think that I'm coping, but of course the whole bit of depression that is my view of myself is severely distorted. For all I know, everyone around me fully expects to last less than a week before stealing a BB gun and picking off random fauna and pets. I'm pretty sure I'm nowhere near that far gone, though. Mostly.
I've been mostly enjoying my classes, at least. I'd been putting off most of the work until just before the deadline (no kidding -- getting exams done a half-hour before they close when they've been open to take for five days). This week I've been largely kicking some ass. I don't want to get caught with my pants down. At any time, I could get called out of state due to the family stuff, and I want to be prepared to take off for a day or two whenever that happens, if it's this semester or next. There's no chance it won't happen. Not without a king-size miracle and I can't let my heart get set on that. It would hurt too much when the miracle doesn't come.
At the moment I am on the slightly goofy side of depression. If you pay close attention to me (though I promise I'm not interesting enough to warrant it), you can tell when I'm in this state because I'm usually cracking sarcastic jokes left and right, and angsting quietly in between. Quietly for me, anyway, which only means that I am not yelling at full volume "Life sucks and then you diiiiiie!" The BB gun reference above? An indicator that I'm in this bleak but quirky mental state. It's better than full-on bawling but not nearly as comfortable as genuine contentment.
It's close enough for me to close for the day, though. Till I have something else to say, dear readers.