So I'm writing again, so soon, after so long without. *shrugs* And I am cold as usual. And lonely. If I were at my house I could sneak downstairs and steal a cat to bother, but I'm at my mother's again after my car didn't start. Grr. It needs work done and for some reason that feels like s final straw on my burdened back.
Home just doesn't feel like home anymore. I don't like. My life keeps changing angles on me and I dislike that in a life. Humph. I should have known better than to share a house with people I barely know. I did know, but I let Ruby turn my head. I thought if I lived with the in-crowd, I'd somehow magically be in-crowd, and it didn't turn out that way, at all. Instead I find myself surrounded by strangers. I'd hoped that Ruby would help me get to know my housemates, but she left before much got accomplished on that front.
Poor Ruby. She's hurting herself so much, severing all the cords that keep her out of harm's way, hurting those who meant to be her friends. It's as though something within her is trying to hurt her. Her view, of course, is that something is within Sin that is trying to hurt her. She can't be the hurtful person, oh of course not... poor Ruby, who can't see herself as herself.
I'm getting all sappy here when what I meant to do was bitch and moan. Heh.
Mom's worried. As usual. She never liked that I was the only girl in the house after Ruby left (as thought Ruby had the power to dispel male libido!...), and she came by Friday night and took me out for some excellent Chinese. She saw the signs a housemate had posted saying "do not use [housemate's] dishwear [sic]" and her eyes instantly narrowed.
She thinks the boys are trying to take advantage of me, in the obvious way and a million others. I try to tell her that my sole female housemate did no better in the taking unfair advantage department, but mom knows better than me. Of course she does. I tell her "What part of 'girlfriend-girlfriend-GAY' don't you understand?" But she doesn't get it, or perhaps I don't.
Because it doesn't feel like home anymore. I had assumed that once I got back online things would be better, but Pro has deteriorated in my absence. It's fading notably. The only people who IM me are people who know me offline anyway, except for my dear peanut. Once her classes start once more, I'll be cut adrift again.
I've relied too much on Jo, I see that now. When I first met her, she seemed to be a good Christian girl like myself. We liked the same Christian alt-rock band and traded views on God. Now she's come out as bi, and she doesn't consider herself Christian anymore, and she's slept with a married guy. He's done prison time and has three kids by as many women. I must have been wrong in my initial assumptions about her, or else she too has changed without my notice. I used to think we understood each other well and were eerily similar. Now I'm not so sure we have much more in common than gender and general height.
Scooch is going to some college two states away. Jo's already going to a school up in the city. Sin's going to be around for another year, unless he gets called into the Middle East again, and it's a sure bet that he will unless something drastically and swiftly changes for the better.
Which leaves me with four cats, none of which are mine at all, and two housemates. One is content on his own, which is hard for my to understand but simple enough to try to accept. The other seems to hate my guts. It's like he's afraid to even talk to me, so made that damn sign. And left it up for a week, despite everyone having read it long ago, which meant my mom got to see it and start to worry.
The psuedo-maternal part of me would like to goad Jo into staying in the empty room at the house until May, then share an apartment with her. But I don't know if I can do that anymore. Live with her and have her dragging her scuzzy SO into my living quarters all the time? He gives me the creeps. He's -- he's not human, that's for sure. He's wrong somehow. He does a very good job of covering it, of fooling my reason into thinking he might be a decent human being. Then that frightening glint enters his eye as he glances at my thigh, and my spin quakes inside me. He scares me.
What to do... I certainly can't move back in with my mom if I intend to re-enter college. The road trip is't so very long, but winter weather combined with my own lapses in judgement and passion for sleeping in when almost entirely obliterate any chance I would have of passing any classes I would take.
(Sidebar: Wow, I'm Master of the City! Go me! I'll lose it before long tho -- the previous Master is really into the game and will whip me silly once she gets online again. Aw, at least I got it... wait, the site seems to be down. Damn, can't check the messages. Grr. Yup, 'tis down.)
I really hate having to take action. Go reapply to uni, go call on the fast food joint (no, not the one that wouldn't hire me, the other one) and inquire if they still have my app on file, get creative and come up with some story ideas for MoonBurnt.
Ah yes, MoonBurnt. I'm bringing it back in the near future, with the presumption that I can come up with some good story ideas for it. And I'm going to start saving my food money if I must, to buy off the ads on EZ Board. They don't bother me all that much because I use a browser that blocks 100% of popups unless I tell it otherwise. I know they seriously annoy most everyone else though, and so away they must go. Shoo, go bug someone else.
EZ Board itself bugs some people, to which I say, Pay for hosting and I'll install a different board myself. Point me to a better hosted board and I'll try it out. If you can't or won't do either, then remain quiet. Nobody is making anyone post. Except I'm going to force Peanut to post, but that's because she'll be co-admin, along with pretty much anybody that asks to be one. *g*
*looks at clock and curses* Damn. I should look up some info important to offline life (but I'm finding it on the Net, neener) and then buzz off. Cya folks.