I've been told I should write more in here. Why not? I'm actually feeling somewhat talkative for a change.
The last few days have seen me even more lethargic than usual. I got poked at the doctor's (by which I mean they stuck a godawful syringe in my arm and drew my blood *shudder*); they tested the blood and decided I need an even higher dose of thyroid hormone than before. So yeah, for any readers who think I'm a lazy bitch: I am somewhat lazy by nature, but part of that is a hormonal imbalance. Every time I think the doctors have upped my dosage enough, I get retested and they bump it up some more.
How much of my laziness is caused by my various imbalances, and how much just me whinging? That I don't know. Frankly I'd rather blame the whole shebang on naughty chemicals, but then I'm fond of casting fault for my vices upon other sources. Anything to make it not my fault, right? At least I admit it. *shrug*
Another roleplay board, another object that needs retrieval. It all seems to blend it after awhile. The interesting thing is that the original epic fiction -- the Lord of the Rings trilogy -- wasn't a quest to get something, but to get rid of something (the One Ring). Yet the copycat quests seem to be along the lines of "this exists; we must grab it!"
Is that a flaw of fantasy writers? Maybe. I'm inclined to think the fault is not in the writing, but in humanity. We fleshy human beans are awfully fond of Things, especially whatever Things we don't have, or just don't have yet. We see objects and we lust. We imagine ourselves in the forseeable future, so much happier for the ownership of a single item. If we manage to procure that after which we lust, though, it ceases to have its power. Objects of desire in human hands are no longer desirable -- to their possessor, that is. Our neighbors still see us, and their dreams encompass that which we no longer enjoy, having gained ownership of it.
Okay, stop the literary insanity. Sorry. I don't know what has gotten into me today! All of the sudden my prose is thickly strewn with fancy words and weird imagery. All can I think is that reading articles about Sylvia Plath has gotten to me today, but I didn't even read any Plath directly! Gah.
When I was in high school, an old friend of mine had a huge anthology of Plath's poetry. It must've been every poem she ever wrote, or all those that had been published, at least. All I knew of Sylvia Plath, at that time, was that she had written a book called "The Bell Jar", in which the heroine is suicidal, and that Plath had taken her own life. I thought Fee was an awful, crazy-artsy person to be so enamored of a woman who had killed herself.
Flash forward and I'm the only spending my entire morning reading about this dead woman with the amazing poetry, with "The Bell Jar" holding a prized place on my shelf that only a half-dozen or so books share. I've wanted to kill myself (and damn near tried), dragged a razor blade across my skin, without intent to kill, more times that I can think about without shuddering for fear that I might have accidently ended it all. It would have been thought suicide -- slit wrists? What's to doubt? Fee, meanwhile, has done nothing worse than dye her hair black and smoke some weed.
In case you can't yet tell, dear readers, Ree was an IDIOT when she was in junior high and high school. Oho yes. She pitied non-Christians to a ghastly extent. She participated in sessions of gathering around flagpoles and praying. President of her youth group because nobody cared as much as she did. Nobody ever cared so much as she. She knew that adultery was absolutely intolerable and that gays were going to Hell. She knew that she couldn't be friends with athiests or agnostics, because they would bring her down and away from God.
I'm not entirely sure how my relationship with God is lately. We talk. I scream at Him and try not to cry in the darkness while I wait for His answers. He's not talkative. He likes to laugh at me when I'm genuinely stupid, though; always in scenarios that make me laugh at myself as well. I am capable of some completely moronic stuff, and we both find it amusing when it's over.
As for the rest -- boy howdy, nothing will make you reconsider what you think of gays faster or better than finding out that one of your friends is gay. That calls for a rapid, immediate re-evaluation of what may or may not be wrong with homosexuality and why. I actually own CDs now that aren't Christian rock. thank God. It's been some years since I actually bought Christian rock, actually, unless it was a drastically underpriced compilation. Even so, it's been a few years.
Somebody I knew a few years ago just signed into AIM. I really don't know why I bother tracking AIM names now and then. Back in the days of the oft-lamented SciFiVine (which induced lamentationsby its horrendously lagging chatrooms), some people from the roleplay groups used AOL Instant Messenger --
-- and no, I'm not gonna link AIM. Last time I tried, they changed the URL on me. Think my magic mystic URL-changing powers have faded? Uh, no. No sooner did I sign up with BlogSnob and get the code up on my page than they change stuff behind the scenes, necessitating a change in the coding. *contemplates smacking forehead with her water glass*
I should link to Microsoft and see what happens, but their funk-fu is so strong that they'd probably just get a tiny spike in site traffic. Ew.
Back to our regularly scheduled (quit laughing!) program!
Now then. In the days of yore and Vine, we used AIM to get around the Vine's idiotic restrictions on the built-in messaging client. (Since I'm sure somebody's wondering, it was something like being able to send only 3 "grams" a day, which makes it sound like drug smuggling. It also makes it sound sooo much more interesting than it was. Anyway, the limit could be gotten around my purchasing a paid membership, but AIM was totally free. Once somebody found out there was a web-based client, no download required, everyone was hooked.) Not many people still use the same AIM name as they did back on the Vine. I do, curiously enough; I signed up with my roleplay character name, and she's still my main online character. It made sense to me. Why change what works, I suppose.
Some people, though, go through AIM names like Homer Simpson goes through donuts. I don't know why. I only have two: my usual name and a second, also from the Vine days, when I set up a second Vine account with all the additional accoutrements required to falsify that I was a completely separate person from Ree. (What?! They kicked me out of a group just because I wasn't 21 yet! Screw that -- they can't prove my offline age, and I can write like I'm 21. Anyway, I'm over 21 now, so nyah.)
(This is gonna be a long entry, I guess. I'd say I was sorry, but I'm making up for ignoring poor DiaryLand in recent times. Suck it up and stick around -- or wimp out if you're gonna.)
Changes with the roleplay groups. God damn it. I used to see the EZ Board "communities" fracture and break apart, and I'd just sneer. Proelium's not like that, thank God. We're stable. Once we're separate from the EZ Board-frequenting people, we're rock solid. Ain't nothin' gonna break us up.
Now I think we're breaking. Dammit. Just dammit. And a few other choice words, strung together with bits like "rancid pancreas" and other raindrops of loveliness. This wasn't supposed to happen. We had it together, were together, and then -- pff. We're falling apart, not even with a magnificent explosion of tempers, but with an ice slick and a shift of weather just barely strong enough to crack the surface into a spiderweb of tiny slivers.
Grr. I wanna punch a pillow or something, but what good would it do me? I need some people-spackle, which is at least moderately fun to say. People-spackle. Say it aloud, I dare you. PEOPLE-SPACKLE! Heh.
Once again I'm pondering rejoining the EZ Board groups. It's been ages. I don't think I've really belonged to any of them since before they were on EZ Board, back when they were on -- you guessed it, folks! -- the SciFiVine. I didn't think I was dwelling so much on the Vine lately. Hmm. Perhaps it's just today. Else I'm lying to myself, which possiblity isn't very comforting.
I wouldn't fit in there now. I kinda miss the old Vine boards. They were awful -- each post had its own page, which made reading archives a major clickfest indeed -- but they also didn't allow sigs. Image sigs drive me NUTS. For short periods, I can supress my innate drive to close any windows with big-ass sig images in them. If I tried to go back to the groups now on EZ Board, though... ugh. It's not an enjoyable prospect. I'd dearly love to know who the hell told these people that pasting an image that takes up one-third the height of my browser window and half its width was okay. Dammit, it is NOT okay! It's bad! It's wrong! It's the BLINK tag only worse, because at least BLINK isn't there at all half the time! Grrr.
People are stupid. Why're people so stupid? *mutters*
Feh. I told Mutt I'd round up some PHP tutorials and the like online. Must do that.