Well. I pissed off another friend, or "friend" as the case may be. I should fucking know better. I was telling hellmutt just the other day that every time I show someone all of who I am, they go away. And I stupidly repeated my mistake again just now.
My peanut. She's such a clever lady when she isn't up in arms over something. So of course I managed to cheese her off, in a big way. See, I didn't know the rules. When she says she's going to make fun of religion in her blog, that means I'm supposed to go away and not even think about trying to tell her the reasoning behind stuff. But I didn't know that, and I suggested that making fun of a smallish religious group wasn't a very tolerant thing to do.
The other thing I did (yes, there's more Ree foolishness!) was keep reading her bloggy thing. She wrote a little later her feelings about antidepressant medications, in reaction to several people voicing their contrary opinion to hers. I again replied to her post, and I tried to be respectful of her thoughts. My stupidity entered the picture once again when I let my irritation take over for a moment at the end of my comment. I dared to suggest that expecting people to respect one's opinions while voicing one's distaste for other's opinions wasn't very logical, or something like that.
So I greeted her online shortly before writing here, and I got a snippy reply that I most assuredly deserved. I was unable to appropriately apoligize, because I didn't understand what I had done so very wrong beyond using some rather snarky language in one reply, as noted before.
I don't know what I'm expected to do here. *bewildered* I asked her if I should not read her bloggish page anymore, and she said that might be a good idea. She was really upset... I think I get it now. If I agreed with what she said, like the others who replied did, then I would be allowed to voice my accordance with her own stance and all would rejoice. The part I didn't get before must've been that if I didn't agree, I was expected to forever remain silent on the subject, and never approach my peanut with an idea running against her own.
I'm lost. Am I supposed to apologize for not liking her other friends' reaction to what she'd written the first time? Maybe I acted improperly upon realizing that no one would stand up for faith, and was it wrong of me to take a stand myself? ...put that way, I don't think so. I was trying to suggest to the others who replied that they were ganging up on a group entirely absent, and therefore unable to defend their beliefs. I might have said something about faith not being shameful, which was probably irrelevant but an idea that has been too long buried in me, beneath a pale vestige of manners.
That's what I did wrong. I just said what I said aimlessly and didn't try to qualify anything. I was trying to avoid "picking on" people, but maybe that would have been better, to address each person individually instead of en masse.
(If my computer doesn't stop pulling up MP3s peanut gave me, I'm going to end this entry quite abruptly and kick this rotten little contraption with out my second-story window.)
Maybe I need to just let things drop. Not take things personally, despite any involvement I might have in them.
I guess I don't know peanut very well at all. I had assumed when she had written something about making fun of a religious group that she would poke fun at their particular mode of dress, or one or two tenets specific to their denomination. I was unprepared for an assault on that I believed. I'm still a little irritated that she took it as badly as she did. I did try to be nice; if I were really gung-ho, I would have refuted each point individually, in the order previously given, and probably found multiple Biblical references for many of them. I was playing nice, left the big guns at home... sigh. Not that it matters.
Here I finally got pictures taken today of me in a dress I've wanted to show peanut for months now. I suppose she doesn't care now.
Dammit! Damn ME! I did it again. I can never let people know what I really think about matters dear to me, or it drives them away in utter hatred of me. I must be fucking unlovable. I have to hide so much of myself deep in my heart just to make shallow acquaintances, and it only gets worse the more I get to know people -- more precisely, as THEY get to know ME.
(Stupid WinAmp. No Rammstein, nothing Japanese, and get the Time Warp off my damn playlist. I don't want to be further hurt by traces of she whom I've already hurt without meaning to.)
I never got to tell her about how I actually talked with my father and it went okay. That was last week... I tried to write it up, and my laptop's demented keyboard combined with my ineptitude to lose everything I'd meticulously noted...
(NO DAMN JAPANESE TRACKS, WINAMP! THEY'RE ALL FROM PEANUT AND RIGHT NOW THAT KNOWLEDGE HURTS!)
I wish I hadn't gotten rid of my razor blades. I could light a candle and hold it until the heat becomes to great for my weak flesh to handle. Or I could run hot water on my hands, but that's not very nice. Running water at this hour isn't very respectful to my housemates, who are sleeping, as normal people often do at night. The candle's smoke would attract attention, too. My scissors are too dull. Banging my head into the wall would wake my housemates. Maybe I could just grind a pencil into my ear, but sharp pain isn't enough. It must ache a little more with each passing moment, or it won't be proper punishment for my crimes. Stupid Ree, bad Ree, can't handle simple friendship. Idiot Ree for thinking she would be able to have friends, real friends, for any real length of time without showcasing her stupidity...
(DAMMIT WINAMP! NOTHING JAPANESE!)
Bad Ree wrong Ree God doesn't love you you're supposed to join the crowd if you don't insult others nobody will love you stupid tease wannabe whore you're just a bum waiting to happen can't you do anything right you little bitch you should never have been your daddy wanted his son you're unwanted you'll always be unwanted nobody's dumb enough to settle for you when they could have smart people to hang around you fucking moron you just don't get it everyone hates you because you think you're so goddamn smart you prissy bitch how dare you think you're right just because you're falling for politically correct crap nobody really thinks that you're just a dumb cracker whore that's what they really think and they're right because everyone is dumber than everyone else....
(...WinAmp. More peanut music. Damn me.)
...you can't show them you you're just plain ugly nobody could love that you sick little slut how dare you think you're any better than people willing to take an unpopular stand you just go with the crowd have you even had an original thought in your brain everyone's laughing at you because they know better they don't like being around you they all want to get rid of you your alleged friends just pass you around when they get sick of you that's not diverse friends that's being the local joke that's being avoided and you won't even listen you stupid cunt but you know I'm right nobody loves you your father left you your mom wants you gone God hates you your brothers hate you they all want you to die why don't you grant their wish you don't have the guts weak little tramp well you will one day and then you'll see that's the only way you can help anyone they're all better off without you hurting them you should just go and never come back you're a fucking burden on everyone you touch you arrogant cocksucker how dare you presume to be at all important nobody listens to you nobody has nobody ever will they just tune you out they're smarter you know they can't let you distract them with your lesser ideas you still believe somebody cares ha ha ha you're not even really amusing bloodbag you're just a moment's joke until someone does what you don't have the courage to do coward you won't even life because you're afraid to die and dying's the only way to can help the people you say you care about they don't need you around they need you gone listen you're wasting everyone's time you need to go --
It's Thursday. I have to get through gaming tonight and then I can go home and talk to my mom and maybe my dad again.
Why did my daddy tell me to be myself when all that does is let people know they should avoid me?
I guess my daddy's no brighter than me. But he loves me, I know that now, and I bet I never would have called him after so long if I hadn't found a transcript of peanut telling me that he really does love me, in his own way, and she was right.
I'm sorry I'm a pathetic sample of humanity, peanut, but I am so very grateful for what you've said.
I just wish I hadn't driven you off, so I could tell you myself, instead of pouring my hopes in my diary and hoping your hatred of me abates enough to read this page, someday.
I'm supposed to be awake by noon today to go work out with Sin.
Again I'm a disappointent. From womb to tomb, but there's so many people for me to let down along the way.