I am NOT feelin' the love today. Nuh-uh. Nope. Crap.
For a small example, there's the picture somebody made for me back in the days of the SciFiVine not sucking (which was ages ago, and may it rot it hell to pay for getting sucky). It was a paper certifying that my character had been adopted as an honorary elf. I made at least three copies of it right that week, to ensure that I wouldn't lose it to disk scratch.
Guess what. Yup. Every copy's digital dirt. *curses* I am so not happy about that. Hopefully I left a copy hanging about my mom's computer, but my own is completely devoid of "adopt.gif". I think it hates image files not created on it. Or there's a curse on the name I keep giving the subdirectories I shove the pics in. There's others that got wrecked, but that's the only one that made me want to slap something with gusto. Damn. So of course I have old avatars up the wazoo, but not the single ONE that I require for my character's profile page.
I refuse to give up, but I'm getting ready to decimate my empty soda can. I find it's entertaining to dent and rip aluminium. Makes me feel all tough to tear metal. Disposing of the resultant bits tends to poke holes in trash bags, though. Feh.
So. Stress lately. I'm doing better now because I'm steadfastly ignoring it. I don't know how to deal with stress. I only know how to let it overwhelm me and how to smash it into the back of my brain and pretend with all my heart that it doesn't exist. I scrubbed down the kitchen the other night. The entire counter, the stovetop, the sink. I also rearranged my cupboard and pantry and washed all the dishes that would fit in the drying rack, even though half of them weren't even mine.
Today I turned my attention to my website and redid my written works pages. After an hour and a half of work, they looked exactly the same. It's supposed to be easier to make costmetic changes to them now, but we'll see if I ever get around it it. Lord knows this diary's been #CCCCCC / pale lavender background for easily a year, probably nearly as long as I've been at this URL.
I should probably take my final exam before the deadline for doing so passes me by, but I can't concentrate. *beats self in forehead with coin purse*
*smack* God *smack* damn *smack* me. *smack* *smack* *smack*
Of course, in my head, it all comes back to daddy. I've been invited to a wedding on Sunday, but I don't think I'll go. I've been trying to concoct excuses all along. (For one thing, I don't have the money to pony up for a wedding gift, and to not give one now that I'm invited is poor taste. Feh.)
The last wedding I attended had me in vile, angry tears, and I don't want that to happen again. I saw the bride and groom exchanging vows and the entire time my brain was gleefully reminding me just how little those vows had meant to my father. Till death do us part. I promise to honor, love and cherish. Oh yeah, he cherished my mother. He cherished her right to divorce court.
Fuck. I will not cry, God damn it. I won't.
That bastard. It may not be his fault that he can't adore me the way I adore him, but --
How to word it?
When I was still very young, I realized that I could not win my father's love, no matter how badly I wanted it. I set out to at least make him proud of me, but in that endeavor I fared no better than if I had tried to catch the moon in a butterfly net. He wasn't proud of me.
The last time we talked, I told him that I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to hear that he was already proud of me, so foolish was I, to hope that I had somehow already won my goal.
He said, "Just -- be yourself."
Be myself? But I don't even know me. I don't know if my brain is masculine or feminine, gay or straight. I don't know what I want in a man or a woman. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I just want to make him happy, but that can't be all there is to me.
How do you learn who are? And how dare he give me set such an impossible task before me! Much has been written in prose, poetry and song about trying to discover one's true self, but no easy answers exist. There isn't even a single path, however difficult, to that self-discovery!
*indulges in much profanity* That's my tribal name, ReeToes Indulges-In-Profanity. I'm Squirrel tribe. Heh. Yup.
Break time. I might have more backup disks with those pictures, or at least the one I really miss. I rather doubt it, but it has been a long time since I last went through my disks, so it's worth a shot. I need to look for my old mini-web soap operatic crap anyway. *g* I'll post it online if I find it!